Kung Fu Louie vs. The Martial Art Posse

by R. Salgado
352 downloads so far
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Sound1
Story3
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"You sent for me, Master Li?" said Kung Fu Louie as he stepped into the dojo.
"Yes, Louis," said the wizened old man. "You know that you cannot avoid confronting Arthur any longer."
Louie glowered at the mention of his archnemesis. "I'm ready, Master. Martial Art can't show me anything new."
Li chuckled. "You are very brash, Louis. But remember what Joshu said. The wise locust eats the barley, but the foolish scorpion is trapped in the jade matrix."
Louie bowed his head as he pondered this koan.
"It is time that you learned a new style of kung fu," said Master Li.
"But I have already mastered the Centipede Style!" protested Louis as he demonstrated his skills with a flurry of fists and feet.
Master Li watched Louie with amusement. Then, without budging from his seat, Li deftly swept his leg, catching Louie squarely in the back. The student tumbled to the floor.
"Just because your name is Kung Fu Louie does not mean you are a master of kung fu," chided Li.
Louie rose and bowed to his sensei. "But what new style shall I learn? The Snake Style?"
"No," said Li.
"Monkey's Fist?"
"No," said Li.
"I know! Drunken boxing!" cried Louie eagerly.
"No," said Li. "None of these will help you defeat Martial Art."
"What, then? Dragon Palm? Weiqi Seki? The Drunken Monkey Style? The Assault Rifle Style?"
"No," said Li. "You must learn the Poorly Conceived Video Game."
Louie gasped.
Li rose from his stool. "You must learn to move only forward and backward in a straight line, as if your world were of but two dimensions. You must never leave the ground, as if you do not know how to jump. You must learn to limit yourself to exactly four motions, none of which are effective. And you must do it all while listening to repetitive, screeching music. Are you prepared, Louis?"
There was a moment of silence. Louis would not meet Master Li's gaze.
"Louis!" barked Master Li. "Are you prepared to learn the Poorly Conceived Video Game Style?"
Louis raised his head slowly.
"Fuck this," he said. "I'm going to play OMF."

Posted by Kevin on 2002-01-03

Recent Comments

Worse than FQ?

Posted by Darius 2002-01-03 19:30:13

A game worse than Fuck Quest? I'll admit, I've never played it, but still... worse?

-Darius

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Amazing

Posted by OMF2097Champ* 2002-06-03 22:11:08

This games makes me feel old and grey for a number of reasons.

First off, I was just thinking about how great my old 386 was/is, when all of a sudden, I realized that it was older than alot of the furniture in this ("this" being my) house. These games were made to run on 286s. My 386 was the envy of the friends I once had. I ran them away after they tried to take my precious away.

Secondly, I remember the fateful night my couson showed me CG.org. We all had a hardy chuckle at the fact that the bottom rated game (FQ at the time) had only 7 downloads. I remember being threatened with bodily harm if he (Chris) saw the game counter go to 8. He would have been sure that it was me, because only 4 people posted regularly at the time (Darius, Keven, Chris and someone who I don't remember who has faded into obscurity)
To get back to the point, now the lowest rated game (KFL↦(I like acronyms, sue me)) has 21 downloads.

To sum up: Me=Old, Darius, Keven & Chris=Beyond ancient

Grand Master G, Pinball Wizard

"What would an interdimensional ghost want with yesterdays newspaper?"

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New lows

Posted by theotherjohn* 2002-09-12 02:25:51

Worse than Fuck Quest?
wow.

P.S.: Isn't backward and forward only <i>one</i> dimension?

Reply

A Request

Posted by MrFortyTwo* 2002-12-31 03:53:39

I would like to make a formal request for more reviews in the form of a short fiction story. I find this approach to reviewing both interesting and humorous.

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